Looking to the Future

2016 wasn't the best year for many of us. Between losing so many talented celebrities, a hothead winning the election, the battle against the Dakota Pipeline, water issues in Flint, and so much more we are all keeping our fingers crossed for 2017 to be better.

On a personal level, my struggles have been with waves of depression. I discussed my options with my doctor and we agreed that the best course of action for me is to get healthier. While she had some concrete numbers on a chart for me to aim for that probably haven't changed in decades despite new studies and research, I'm taking a less rigid approach. I know myself well enough to know that diets and health fads do nothing for me. My self-control is non-existant so depriving myself just backfires. Stress eating is also a huge issue for me. Switching from finance to early education caused a 30+ pound weight gain (my co-workers are quick to enable with sugary coffee, sodas, baked goods, and candy). Now that I've hit my 2 year anniversary as a teacher I think it's time to make a change.

This year I've switched to a toddler room so my level of physical demands has skyrocketed. I'm on my feet more, lifting kids on and off changing tables, picking up and comforting crying two-year-olds, and cleaning all day. At my current level of health, I can't keep up. I'm exhausted every night and ordering out multiple days a week so I don't have to cook. My childcare center is owned by a fitness center so I have a free membership I'm too tired to use. 

The timing couldn't be better, they did an employee contest to win a spot in their fitness/nutrition/stress management program and I was one of the ones selected. In two weeks I start the 90-day program which consists of a two-hour session each week with an education component followed by exercise. I've started calorie counting to get my overeating under control without cutting out everything I love while still holding me accountable for less than perfect choices and found an app that I can earn points toward cash as I track my food and exercise. As a teacher, can you blame me for seeking financial encouragement?

Does rubbing them together really work? Cuz I'm willing to try anything...

My goal is to be able to keep up with my active and strong willed room of toddlers for a full day, then come home to be able to actually make a healthy meal for myself and spend some time with my boyfriend. If I could have the leftover energy to work out a few times a week, that would be ideal. I plan on having Christmas cookies, steak and potato dinners, and extra sweet coffee the whole time but in moderation. Baking is a hobby I have no intention of giving up, the activity itself or the enjoying of it. I think if I can get myself to a healthier place physically, that will help me keep my depression in check (with the aid of medication as needed). Exercise is shown to be one of the best forms of natural anti-depressant and I want to work on making it a bigger part of my routine.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing when we'd like to get married and start a family. With babies of my own in the next few years, I want to be able to be the best mother I can be. Depression will always be something I will be working to manage, but getting healthier is something I can do now both for myself and for my future family. 

I am Venus

As anyone who has followed this blog knows, I started as a comedian telling jokes in a corset between tease numbers. I fell in love with the people involved and the whole idea of burlesque. The glitter, beauty, and acceptance I found in this community changed my life. Ever since I was a child I dreamed of singing on stage, but I never felt like I could. Performing stand up with Green Mountain Cabaret changed all that. Once I made it know that I wanted to sing, I was encouraged to audition for a variety spot to mix it up.

I never went back to stand up. I was in love with dressing up and spinning a spell of melody over the audience. The rush I received from that trumped even the most cacophonous laughter I ever received telling jokes. For about a year and a half I performed when I was booked building my confidence and slowly warming to baring my life dream on stage for all to see. Then realized I gained back half the weight I had lost and was feeling awful. My body disgusted me. I hated my clothes. I felt like an elephant lumbering through my life. Oddly enough, my response to this was to change what I was doing for our “Feels Like the First Time” show. It was my first time performing in months and I wanted to come back with a hit. I hated the idea of doing “Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend”, the first number I ever sang, so I tossed the idea and opted to go for a different first.

I got on the stage in February in my new red wrap dress, terrified of what I was about to do, but determined to see it through. Each line got me closer and closer to the musical break until finally, it arrived. I stepped away from the microphone and reached for my bow. Gripping it tightly, I began to pull and as it unraveled the audience lost their minds. It was like they all realized at the same moment what was happening. I couldn't hear a thing as I removed my dress and tried to remember the very basic choreography I had planned. The screaming pushed me to my limit and I belted the bridge as I removed my bra the way I had seen the girls do so many times on this very stage. 

The song ended and I walked off the stage as quickly as I could without looking like I was running away. I heard nothing, I saw nothing. All I could think was, “Where the hell is my dress??” I don't remember the rest of the show. Suddenly we were done with our group shot at the photo booth and we were being sent off to mingle. The steady stream of fans, former troupe members, and friends were a blur. I remember comments about waiting three years to see me do that and how the number was amazing and then I got naked and it was even BETTER! The rest of the night is still hazy to me, but I had done it. I bared the body I had despised for most of my life to an entire audience and they loved every second of it. They treated it like this gift I had given them.

During a conversation about burlesque with a visiting performer over wine, cheese, and pizza we discussed what made us consider dancing. I confessed what drove me and he responded by telling me I was a goddess. I blushed and mumbled something resembling thanks and he said, “No really, you have the body of a goddess.” He brought up the photo of a sculpture of Venus that was found in Austria dating back to between 28,000 and 25,000 BCE. He was right, she looked just like me. I did research and smiled as I read different details on the piece. My favorite was how they mentioned it's purpose may have been “for ecstatic-state fertility rituals or even as a masturbation aid”.

Venus von Willendorf

I am Venus.

The Roman goddess of love...

Of beauty...

Of sex...

Of fertility...

Of prosperity...

Of victory...

Of desire, enticement, and seduction.

She is named after the Latin noun VENUS meaning “sexual love / desire”. I should never hate the body I have, especially if there is occasionally more of it to worship.

I am Venus.

Show Me How You Burlesque

So many people talk about who they admire and list actors, musicians, Kardashians, politicians, family members, or athletes. They will discuss a painting, song, or ballet that moved them so deeply it hurt. For me, it's burlesque dancers.

I sing as a variety act with the Green Mountain Cabaret in Vermont. When I'm not on the stage, I'm behind it making sure the show goes as planned and the audience has the best experience possible. I can't imagine not being a part of the community that has had such an impact on my life and all around self image for the last three years.

It all started at a Halloween party where this girl walked up to me and said, “You're pretty, can we be friends?” We talked most of the night and I discovered that she was part of a new neo-burlesque troupe that would be holding auditions in the next few weeks. When it came up that I had been doing stand-up locally, she encouraged me to audition for a variety act slot. From there I was sucked into a world of glitter, high heels, pasties, and body love. I had never seen anything like it.

The first show I attended we somehow accomplished front row seats. I was in awe of all the shiny happy people. Women and men of varying shapes and sizes putting themselves out there and making the audience beg to see more. I was booked for their next month's show to do a five minute set, which worked out perfectly considering most of my jokes were based on my boobs. Often I wore a corset when I did comedy to play up the whole busty blonde bit, but there it felt different. Backstage I had a frank and incredibly helpful conversation with another performer about sex and relationships. Every single person knew I was nervous to be there and did everything they could to help me relax. I walked out on that stage, still laughing from my introduction (“a balcony you could do Shakespeare off of”) and looked out into the dark crowd to hear this wave of love and excitement rushing at me. I was there to make people laugh (mission accomplished BTW) but they were the ones who made me feel more beautiful and sexy than I had in my 28 years before that moment.

Now, I am 31 and singing instead of doing stand-up. I realized that while it was fun to be the funny girl, I was allowed to be sultry and enticing as well. As a girl who has always been much larger than the media standard I never realized I had that right. The right to dress up and feel incredibly attractive. To tease and flirt with a faceless crowd. To have people applaud, catcall, and become a fan of mine.

Each burlesque event I attend and every dancer I've met has inspired me. Watching the Vermont Burlesque Festival over the last three days and interacting backstage as assistant stage manager I've met the most amazing people. I spent part of a tech rehearsal discussing body image with one woman who demanded I watch her routine that night and really focus on it. She flirted and flaunted her curves, jiggling her bits of “jelly” in ways women don't dare to do for fear of drawing attention to the fact that might actually have any body fat. The crowd ate it up, and to be honest, so did I. It was mesmerizing and incredibly sexy to watch someone literally say, “You know you want it,” while touching what the media would call imperfections.

I admired the lines and curves of each body as they moved across the stage sharing with us their vision. There we performances that made me laugh until my face ached and some that were so beautiful my heart ached. The hours of standing, running, troubleshooting, and directing took a toll on my body but each and every pain was worth it. I watched over fifty performances over the last several days and each one left a mark on my heart. Some people are moved by a symphony, others by a painting on the wall of a museum. My soul has been moved by burlesque and I will never be the same again.

If you haven't been to a burlesque show before, find one. They are in every state and often monthly. Go and see what I mean. You won't regret it.

Let Me Clear My Throat...

Normally I try to write calm and rational posts, but today I need to use my soap box and get something off my chest.

Glorifying obesity is not a thing!

I have gained a good thirty pounds in the last year and am at the heaviest I've been in years. While I do look down and wish I didn't see so much stomach protruding, I'm pretty content with my body right now. I still feel cute or sexy when I dress up. I smile when my preschoolers tell me they like to snuggle my squishy belly. Babies fit perfectly against the curve of my chest and often fall asleep when nestled there.

I am not, however delusional. When my children ask if I have a baby in my belly, I tell them Ms. Jen just really like junk food and doesn't exercise enough. They know that my life choices have had an influence on my body. Though these things are no worse than how a majority of the world lives their life, I'm judged because my body type is affected more than some. I have to work harder than is commonly considered “healthy living” to lose weight so when I'm tired or depressed or just plain busy, health falls to the wayside. In our society, being fat is treated as a crime. Being comfortable in my own skin means I'm showing easily influenced people that this is a good life choice. In the long run, its not.

I have joint pain.

I'm easily winded.

I often have sugar crashes because I rely on coffee or candy bars for energy boosts.

I stay up too late and pay for it the next day.

This does not mean I don't have the right to be happy and content! It also does not mean that when I am being healthy that I look the way society thinks I should. Guess what, when I exercise regularly and eat whole and organic foods...I'M STILL FAT. I'm just a little less fat. I encourage healthy choices in my classroom, choosing their fruit instead of fruit snacks and telling them to go run instead of watching their friends do so. I want my students to grow healthy and strong, but I also want them to understand that all bodies are not created equal.

I also want them to know that it's okay to be unhealthy too if that's the choice they make. What matters to me, is that they let themselves live a happy life. Don't let anything stand in your way, least of all people who shame you for the size pants you wear while they lead the exact same lifestyle and just happen to wear a size two.

J.K. Rowling said it best:

“Fat’ is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her.
I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I’m not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain…
I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn’t seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? ‘You’ve lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!’
‘Well,’ I said, slightly nonplussed, ‘the last time you saw me I’d just had a baby.’
What I felt like saying was, ‘I’ve produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren’t either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?’ But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!
I’ve got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don’t want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons.”

Be independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, or funny. Be fat or thin or tall or short. Be happy. Be YOU. 

Self Care

I've always struggled with self care. I push myself too hard, push my needs aside, then lash out because my needs haven't been met. It's been over three months since I posted about my depression flair up (or anything for that matter). My doctor upped my medication and for a while it worked. Lately I'm noticing more dips sneaking into my life highway and its taking a toll. I had my worst breakdown yet this weekend. I cried for four hours and parts of my face I didn't know could swell were swollen by the time I could calm down. I had to remind myself to breath because I kept stopping. My joints ached worse than they ever have in my life, which I have never experienced before with an episode.

My boyfriend was next to me all day but I felt alone and ignored. Instead of saying, “I need you to hold me for a little while, I'm not okay,” I passive-aggressively attacked him. Of course that helped nothing and he went on the defensive which made things even worse. These episodes are starting to happen more often and I don't know if it means my medication isn't high enough or is starting to show side effects I haven't experienced before.

I recently ended a friendship that I felt wasn't working for me anymore. It took me years to get to the point of calling her when I was having a rough time. Now I'm starting over and I felt like I had no one I could call as I fell apart buried in the blankets and pillows of my bed. I was open and honest with my co-workers on Monday when they asked how I was and every one of them offered to be there if I needed them and asked what they could do right now to help me. One of them mentioned she had today off and I should see if I could do the same. I've always had full disclosure with my directors so when I went in to speak to two of them about what I needed, they were amazing. One of them handed me her baby to cuddle while we talked. They made me laugh and told me that self care should be my focus right now. They made it work so I could take today to recover.

So far, I stayed in bed with my guy until 12:30 sleeping and snuggling. I got up and made a breakfast of tea, roasted potatoes, Canadian bacon, and onion / spinach / mushroom / cheddar scrambled eggs. We're going to go to the gym, not because I should but because my body needs to move and be strengthened to work out this stiffness and pain. Tonight, dinner will be salmon, asparagus, and mashed potatoes then maybe we'll go out and do something fun like play at the arcade or go mini golfing or something.

Need ideas?

I already feel better even though I made the choice to lose a day of pay (I'm out of personal time). Though I knew I had wonderful people in my life, I was able to be reminded over and over again. My baby sister called and talked to me for over an hour for the first time in a long time because I asked her to pray for me. My co-teacher was completely understanding about me not coming in and is letting me do the early shift tomorrow to get out a little early. A co-worker offered to get me a bagel or a soda while she was on her break. Another made sure I ate enough during the day because I told her I was having trouble making myself eat.

I preach self care from my body love soap box but I often forget to practice it myself. Do as I say not as I do, as my mother used to say. For your sake, take a day off, ask for what you need, take care of your body even if it seems like a daunting task. You are the only one who knows what you need, make sure you get it.

Happy Mother's Day!

I would like to talk about my biggest fan in today's post.

My mother.

I know, everyone says that, but I really mean it. She is this beautiful, loving, and wonderful woman with no shame (I mean that in a good way). My most vivid memories from my childhood are moments in which my mother is quoting movies in ridiculous voices or singing a song because something I said made her think of it. To this day there are certain songs that make me think of her and movie moments that make me smile.

She goes line dancing, wears halter tops, and maintains a beautiful garden with my father. A middle school teacher that her kids LOVE because she tells it like it is and pushes them to be their best. I think that teaching came so naturally to me because of being raised by her.

Tinkerbell is her favorite character and it shows through in her personality, they're both playful and sarcastic. She is obsessed with Disney and loves to go back to the parks as often as she can (especially when it means she can make us go on It's a Small World even though we hate the song by the end...). Her favorite color is purple and she loved to eat pretzels with a chocolate chaser. She can drink Jack Daniels without flinching and enjoy a nice glass of chilled blush wine.

I'm a very lucky girl to have the mother that I have and I know it.

Love you Mom!

Lose the Weight!

When I turned 30 in September, I felt completely off track. I hated my job. I felt ridiculous for still living with three roommates instead of on my own. I didn't know where my life was going. Its been a total 180 degree spin since then. I've been fired, hired in a completely different field, moved in with my boyfriend, paid off my car, and applied for a two year apprenticeship.

I've moved in with someone I care about and we're doing really well despite the lifestyle adjustment. I spend my days working with eleven 4-year-olds coloring, teaching letters, and saying things like “please do not touch your friend's body.” Its amazing...AND hugely different. Everything happened so fast and soon I noticed myself slipping back into the depression rabbit hole slowly. Getting angry with my guy over minor annoyances and starting fights. Starting my day grumpy and being short with my kids. “Treating” myself to a soda or chocolate in the afternoon to soothe my nerves. I get a free gym membership at my job that I have never used because I'm so exhausted every day. When I went to my follow-up appointment to check in with my doctor about my anti-depression medication, I knew upping my dosage would need to be entertained and I was curious as to how much weight I had gained.

When I stepped on the scale, my breath caught when the three digit reading began with a "3" for the first time in years...

Then I sat down so the nurse could take my pulse and blood pressure. As usual, all of my vitals were right where they should be. I was healthy. No one was concerned. Least of all, me. When my brain got over the initial horror of the idea that I was once again over three hundred pounds, I was over it. No self hate. No shame. No tears. No plan to change my whole life. I knew I had gained weight, there was no way I could stress eat like I was without that being the end result. Despite the amount of weight gained, emotionally I was fine. 

I realized haven't had a legitimately negative thought about my body in MONTHS. When I dressed up as cat woman for our Saturday Morning Cartoons show last weekend, I skipped the corset to save my boyfriend the stress of trying to strap me in. It wasn't because I didn't want him to have to see the sausage stuffing process I knew it would be, it was because I didn't feel the need to cram myself into a shape I wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I fucking LOVE corsets. I love the back and bust support I get. I love that I can literally motorboat myself because my boobs as so perky. I love the beautiful patterns and designs that I've splurged on. This month I opted to paint on my fake vinyl legging, arranged my boobs in a purple tank top, zipped my biker vest, slid on my ass kicking boots, painted my face, and added some ears. I was hot as hell and didn't care that I didn't take the time to flatten my jelly belly.

I'm finally where I want to be, no longer my own worst enemy. I will still work to reign in the stress and work toward a healthier lifestyle. I will still lament the lack of incredible and affordable clothing in my size. I will occasionally still wish my stomach was flatter and my arms didn't jiggle so much, but it is no longer the battle it once was. It is no longer a struggle to post something on this page knowing that I don't practice what I preach. I'm starting to live by the words I advocate.

LOVE!

YOUR!

BITS!

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Five years from now. Right this second. The when doesn't matter. Just keep reaching for that place where you love who and what you are. You'll get there and it will feel AMAZING. Like the weight of the world is off your shoulders...because that is what that is. The WORLD is what tells you that your are imperfect and in need of correction. We have enough weight to carry of our own, don't take that on too. Your body mass is all you are responsible for. Let the rest of it fall off and move on from it. I promise, THAT is the greatest weight loss you will ever achieve.