I've always struggled with self care. I
push myself too hard, push my needs aside, then lash out because my
needs haven't been met. It's been over three months since I posted
about my depression flair up (or anything for that matter). My doctor
upped my medication and for a while it worked. Lately I'm noticing
more dips sneaking into my life highway and its taking a toll. I had
my worst breakdown yet this weekend. I cried for four hours and parts
of my face I didn't know could swell were swollen by the time I could
calm down. I had to remind myself to breath because I kept stopping.
My joints ached worse than they ever have in my life, which I have
never experienced before with an episode.
My boyfriend was next to me all day but
I felt alone and ignored. Instead of saying, “I need you to hold me
for a little while, I'm not okay,” I passive-aggressively attacked
him. Of course that helped nothing and he went on the defensive which
made things even worse. These episodes are starting to happen more
often and I don't know if it means my medication isn't high enough or
is starting to show side effects I haven't experienced before.
I recently ended a friendship that I
felt wasn't working for me anymore. It took me years to get to the
point of calling her when I was having a rough time. Now I'm starting
over and I felt like I had no one I could call as I fell apart buried
in the blankets and pillows of my bed. I was open and honest with my
co-workers on Monday when they asked how I was and every one of them
offered to be there if I needed them and asked what they could do
right now to help me. One of them mentioned she had today off and I
should see if I could do the same. I've always had full disclosure
with my directors so when I went in to speak to two of them about
what I needed, they were amazing. One of them handed me her baby to
cuddle while we talked. They made me laugh and told me that self care
should be my focus right now. They made it work so I could take today
to recover.
So far, I stayed in bed with my guy
until 12:30 sleeping and snuggling. I got up and made a breakfast of
tea, roasted potatoes, Canadian bacon, and onion / spinach / mushroom
/ cheddar scrambled eggs. We're going to go to the gym, not because I
should but because my body needs to move and be strengthened to work
out this stiffness and pain. Tonight, dinner will be salmon,
asparagus, and mashed potatoes then maybe we'll go out and do
something fun like play at the arcade or go mini golfing or
something.
I already feel better even though I
made the choice to lose a day of pay (I'm out of personal time).
Though I knew I had wonderful people in my life, I was able to be
reminded over and over again. My baby sister called and talked to me
for over an hour for the first time in a long time because I asked
her to pray for me. My co-teacher was completely understanding about
me not coming in and is letting me do the early shift tomorrow to get
out a little early. A co-worker offered to get me a bagel or a soda
while she was on her break. Another made sure I ate enough during the
day because I told her I was having trouble making myself eat.
I preach self care from my body love
soap box but I often forget to practice it myself. Do as I say not as
I do, as my mother used to say. For your sake, take a day off, ask
for what you need, take care of your body even if it seems like a
daunting task. You are the only one who knows what you need, make
sure you get it.
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