I am Venus

As anyone who has followed this blog knows, I started as a comedian telling jokes in a corset between tease numbers. I fell in love with the people involved and the whole idea of burlesque. The glitter, beauty, and acceptance I found in this community changed my life. Ever since I was a child I dreamed of singing on stage, but I never felt like I could. Performing stand up with Green Mountain Cabaret changed all that. Once I made it know that I wanted to sing, I was encouraged to audition for a variety spot to mix it up.

I never went back to stand up. I was in love with dressing up and spinning a spell of melody over the audience. The rush I received from that trumped even the most cacophonous laughter I ever received telling jokes. For about a year and a half I performed when I was booked building my confidence and slowly warming to baring my life dream on stage for all to see. Then realized I gained back half the weight I had lost and was feeling awful. My body disgusted me. I hated my clothes. I felt like an elephant lumbering through my life. Oddly enough, my response to this was to change what I was doing for our “Feels Like the First Time” show. It was my first time performing in months and I wanted to come back with a hit. I hated the idea of doing “Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend”, the first number I ever sang, so I tossed the idea and opted to go for a different first.

I got on the stage in February in my new red wrap dress, terrified of what I was about to do, but determined to see it through. Each line got me closer and closer to the musical break until finally, it arrived. I stepped away from the microphone and reached for my bow. Gripping it tightly, I began to pull and as it unraveled the audience lost their minds. It was like they all realized at the same moment what was happening. I couldn't hear a thing as I removed my dress and tried to remember the very basic choreography I had planned. The screaming pushed me to my limit and I belted the bridge as I removed my bra the way I had seen the girls do so many times on this very stage. 

The song ended and I walked off the stage as quickly as I could without looking like I was running away. I heard nothing, I saw nothing. All I could think was, “Where the hell is my dress??” I don't remember the rest of the show. Suddenly we were done with our group shot at the photo booth and we were being sent off to mingle. The steady stream of fans, former troupe members, and friends were a blur. I remember comments about waiting three years to see me do that and how the number was amazing and then I got naked and it was even BETTER! The rest of the night is still hazy to me, but I had done it. I bared the body I had despised for most of my life to an entire audience and they loved every second of it. They treated it like this gift I had given them.

During a conversation about burlesque with a visiting performer over wine, cheese, and pizza we discussed what made us consider dancing. I confessed what drove me and he responded by telling me I was a goddess. I blushed and mumbled something resembling thanks and he said, “No really, you have the body of a goddess.” He brought up the photo of a sculpture of Venus that was found in Austria dating back to between 28,000 and 25,000 BCE. He was right, she looked just like me. I did research and smiled as I read different details on the piece. My favorite was how they mentioned it's purpose may have been “for ecstatic-state fertility rituals or even as a masturbation aid”.

Venus von Willendorf

I am Venus.

The Roman goddess of love...

Of beauty...

Of sex...

Of fertility...

Of prosperity...

Of victory...

Of desire, enticement, and seduction.

She is named after the Latin noun VENUS meaning “sexual love / desire”. I should never hate the body I have, especially if there is occasionally more of it to worship.

I am Venus.

Show Me How You Burlesque

So many people talk about who they admire and list actors, musicians, Kardashians, politicians, family members, or athletes. They will discuss a painting, song, or ballet that moved them so deeply it hurt. For me, it's burlesque dancers.

I sing as a variety act with the Green Mountain Cabaret in Vermont. When I'm not on the stage, I'm behind it making sure the show goes as planned and the audience has the best experience possible. I can't imagine not being a part of the community that has had such an impact on my life and all around self image for the last three years.

It all started at a Halloween party where this girl walked up to me and said, “You're pretty, can we be friends?” We talked most of the night and I discovered that she was part of a new neo-burlesque troupe that would be holding auditions in the next few weeks. When it came up that I had been doing stand-up locally, she encouraged me to audition for a variety act slot. From there I was sucked into a world of glitter, high heels, pasties, and body love. I had never seen anything like it.

The first show I attended we somehow accomplished front row seats. I was in awe of all the shiny happy people. Women and men of varying shapes and sizes putting themselves out there and making the audience beg to see more. I was booked for their next month's show to do a five minute set, which worked out perfectly considering most of my jokes were based on my boobs. Often I wore a corset when I did comedy to play up the whole busty blonde bit, but there it felt different. Backstage I had a frank and incredibly helpful conversation with another performer about sex and relationships. Every single person knew I was nervous to be there and did everything they could to help me relax. I walked out on that stage, still laughing from my introduction (“a balcony you could do Shakespeare off of”) and looked out into the dark crowd to hear this wave of love and excitement rushing at me. I was there to make people laugh (mission accomplished BTW) but they were the ones who made me feel more beautiful and sexy than I had in my 28 years before that moment.

Now, I am 31 and singing instead of doing stand-up. I realized that while it was fun to be the funny girl, I was allowed to be sultry and enticing as well. As a girl who has always been much larger than the media standard I never realized I had that right. The right to dress up and feel incredibly attractive. To tease and flirt with a faceless crowd. To have people applaud, catcall, and become a fan of mine.

Each burlesque event I attend and every dancer I've met has inspired me. Watching the Vermont Burlesque Festival over the last three days and interacting backstage as assistant stage manager I've met the most amazing people. I spent part of a tech rehearsal discussing body image with one woman who demanded I watch her routine that night and really focus on it. She flirted and flaunted her curves, jiggling her bits of “jelly” in ways women don't dare to do for fear of drawing attention to the fact that might actually have any body fat. The crowd ate it up, and to be honest, so did I. It was mesmerizing and incredibly sexy to watch someone literally say, “You know you want it,” while touching what the media would call imperfections.

I admired the lines and curves of each body as they moved across the stage sharing with us their vision. There we performances that made me laugh until my face ached and some that were so beautiful my heart ached. The hours of standing, running, troubleshooting, and directing took a toll on my body but each and every pain was worth it. I watched over fifty performances over the last several days and each one left a mark on my heart. Some people are moved by a symphony, others by a painting on the wall of a museum. My soul has been moved by burlesque and I will never be the same again.

If you haven't been to a burlesque show before, find one. They are in every state and often monthly. Go and see what I mean. You won't regret it.