Let Me Clear My Throat...

Normally I try to write calm and rational posts, but today I need to use my soap box and get something off my chest.

Glorifying obesity is not a thing!

I have gained a good thirty pounds in the last year and am at the heaviest I've been in years. While I do look down and wish I didn't see so much stomach protruding, I'm pretty content with my body right now. I still feel cute or sexy when I dress up. I smile when my preschoolers tell me they like to snuggle my squishy belly. Babies fit perfectly against the curve of my chest and often fall asleep when nestled there.

I am not, however delusional. When my children ask if I have a baby in my belly, I tell them Ms. Jen just really like junk food and doesn't exercise enough. They know that my life choices have had an influence on my body. Though these things are no worse than how a majority of the world lives their life, I'm judged because my body type is affected more than some. I have to work harder than is commonly considered “healthy living” to lose weight so when I'm tired or depressed or just plain busy, health falls to the wayside. In our society, being fat is treated as a crime. Being comfortable in my own skin means I'm showing easily influenced people that this is a good life choice. In the long run, its not.

I have joint pain.

I'm easily winded.

I often have sugar crashes because I rely on coffee or candy bars for energy boosts.

I stay up too late and pay for it the next day.

This does not mean I don't have the right to be happy and content! It also does not mean that when I am being healthy that I look the way society thinks I should. Guess what, when I exercise regularly and eat whole and organic foods...I'M STILL FAT. I'm just a little less fat. I encourage healthy choices in my classroom, choosing their fruit instead of fruit snacks and telling them to go run instead of watching their friends do so. I want my students to grow healthy and strong, but I also want them to understand that all bodies are not created equal.

I also want them to know that it's okay to be unhealthy too if that's the choice they make. What matters to me, is that they let themselves live a happy life. Don't let anything stand in your way, least of all people who shame you for the size pants you wear while they lead the exact same lifestyle and just happen to wear a size two.

J.K. Rowling said it best:

“Fat’ is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her.
I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I’m not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain…
I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn’t seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? ‘You’ve lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!’
‘Well,’ I said, slightly nonplussed, ‘the last time you saw me I’d just had a baby.’
What I felt like saying was, ‘I’ve produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren’t either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?’ But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!
I’ve got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don’t want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons.”

Be independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, or funny. Be fat or thin or tall or short. Be happy. Be YOU. 

Self Care

I've always struggled with self care. I push myself too hard, push my needs aside, then lash out because my needs haven't been met. It's been over three months since I posted about my depression flair up (or anything for that matter). My doctor upped my medication and for a while it worked. Lately I'm noticing more dips sneaking into my life highway and its taking a toll. I had my worst breakdown yet this weekend. I cried for four hours and parts of my face I didn't know could swell were swollen by the time I could calm down. I had to remind myself to breath because I kept stopping. My joints ached worse than they ever have in my life, which I have never experienced before with an episode.

My boyfriend was next to me all day but I felt alone and ignored. Instead of saying, “I need you to hold me for a little while, I'm not okay,” I passive-aggressively attacked him. Of course that helped nothing and he went on the defensive which made things even worse. These episodes are starting to happen more often and I don't know if it means my medication isn't high enough or is starting to show side effects I haven't experienced before.

I recently ended a friendship that I felt wasn't working for me anymore. It took me years to get to the point of calling her when I was having a rough time. Now I'm starting over and I felt like I had no one I could call as I fell apart buried in the blankets and pillows of my bed. I was open and honest with my co-workers on Monday when they asked how I was and every one of them offered to be there if I needed them and asked what they could do right now to help me. One of them mentioned she had today off and I should see if I could do the same. I've always had full disclosure with my directors so when I went in to speak to two of them about what I needed, they were amazing. One of them handed me her baby to cuddle while we talked. They made me laugh and told me that self care should be my focus right now. They made it work so I could take today to recover.

So far, I stayed in bed with my guy until 12:30 sleeping and snuggling. I got up and made a breakfast of tea, roasted potatoes, Canadian bacon, and onion / spinach / mushroom / cheddar scrambled eggs. We're going to go to the gym, not because I should but because my body needs to move and be strengthened to work out this stiffness and pain. Tonight, dinner will be salmon, asparagus, and mashed potatoes then maybe we'll go out and do something fun like play at the arcade or go mini golfing or something.

Need ideas?

I already feel better even though I made the choice to lose a day of pay (I'm out of personal time). Though I knew I had wonderful people in my life, I was able to be reminded over and over again. My baby sister called and talked to me for over an hour for the first time in a long time because I asked her to pray for me. My co-teacher was completely understanding about me not coming in and is letting me do the early shift tomorrow to get out a little early. A co-worker offered to get me a bagel or a soda while she was on her break. Another made sure I ate enough during the day because I told her I was having trouble making myself eat.

I preach self care from my body love soap box but I often forget to practice it myself. Do as I say not as I do, as my mother used to say. For your sake, take a day off, ask for what you need, take care of your body even if it seems like a daunting task. You are the only one who knows what you need, make sure you get it.

Happy Mother's Day!

I would like to talk about my biggest fan in today's post.

My mother.

I know, everyone says that, but I really mean it. She is this beautiful, loving, and wonderful woman with no shame (I mean that in a good way). My most vivid memories from my childhood are moments in which my mother is quoting movies in ridiculous voices or singing a song because something I said made her think of it. To this day there are certain songs that make me think of her and movie moments that make me smile.

She goes line dancing, wears halter tops, and maintains a beautiful garden with my father. A middle school teacher that her kids LOVE because she tells it like it is and pushes them to be their best. I think that teaching came so naturally to me because of being raised by her.

Tinkerbell is her favorite character and it shows through in her personality, they're both playful and sarcastic. She is obsessed with Disney and loves to go back to the parks as often as she can (especially when it means she can make us go on It's a Small World even though we hate the song by the end...). Her favorite color is purple and she loved to eat pretzels with a chocolate chaser. She can drink Jack Daniels without flinching and enjoy a nice glass of chilled blush wine.

I'm a very lucky girl to have the mother that I have and I know it.

Love you Mom!

Lose the Weight!

When I turned 30 in September, I felt completely off track. I hated my job. I felt ridiculous for still living with three roommates instead of on my own. I didn't know where my life was going. Its been a total 180 degree spin since then. I've been fired, hired in a completely different field, moved in with my boyfriend, paid off my car, and applied for a two year apprenticeship.

I've moved in with someone I care about and we're doing really well despite the lifestyle adjustment. I spend my days working with eleven 4-year-olds coloring, teaching letters, and saying things like “please do not touch your friend's body.” Its amazing...AND hugely different. Everything happened so fast and soon I noticed myself slipping back into the depression rabbit hole slowly. Getting angry with my guy over minor annoyances and starting fights. Starting my day grumpy and being short with my kids. “Treating” myself to a soda or chocolate in the afternoon to soothe my nerves. I get a free gym membership at my job that I have never used because I'm so exhausted every day. When I went to my follow-up appointment to check in with my doctor about my anti-depression medication, I knew upping my dosage would need to be entertained and I was curious as to how much weight I had gained.

When I stepped on the scale, my breath caught when the three digit reading began with a "3" for the first time in years...

Then I sat down so the nurse could take my pulse and blood pressure. As usual, all of my vitals were right where they should be. I was healthy. No one was concerned. Least of all, me. When my brain got over the initial horror of the idea that I was once again over three hundred pounds, I was over it. No self hate. No shame. No tears. No plan to change my whole life. I knew I had gained weight, there was no way I could stress eat like I was without that being the end result. Despite the amount of weight gained, emotionally I was fine. 

I realized haven't had a legitimately negative thought about my body in MONTHS. When I dressed up as cat woman for our Saturday Morning Cartoons show last weekend, I skipped the corset to save my boyfriend the stress of trying to strap me in. It wasn't because I didn't want him to have to see the sausage stuffing process I knew it would be, it was because I didn't feel the need to cram myself into a shape I wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I fucking LOVE corsets. I love the back and bust support I get. I love that I can literally motorboat myself because my boobs as so perky. I love the beautiful patterns and designs that I've splurged on. This month I opted to paint on my fake vinyl legging, arranged my boobs in a purple tank top, zipped my biker vest, slid on my ass kicking boots, painted my face, and added some ears. I was hot as hell and didn't care that I didn't take the time to flatten my jelly belly.

I'm finally where I want to be, no longer my own worst enemy. I will still work to reign in the stress and work toward a healthier lifestyle. I will still lament the lack of incredible and affordable clothing in my size. I will occasionally still wish my stomach was flatter and my arms didn't jiggle so much, but it is no longer the battle it once was. It is no longer a struggle to post something on this page knowing that I don't practice what I preach. I'm starting to live by the words I advocate.

LOVE!

YOUR!

BITS!

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Five years from now. Right this second. The when doesn't matter. Just keep reaching for that place where you love who and what you are. You'll get there and it will feel AMAZING. Like the weight of the world is off your shoulders...because that is what that is. The WORLD is what tells you that your are imperfect and in need of correction. We have enough weight to carry of our own, don't take that on too. Your body mass is all you are responsible for. Let the rest of it fall off and move on from it. I promise, THAT is the greatest weight loss you will ever achieve.