Absolutely Me!

I just realized that I haven’t posted in over 4 months.  I am a terrible blogger….  L  To be fair, I’ve been trying to bounce back from a bit of a personal setback.

For those of you who are new, here’s a brief recap:  A few years ago, I lost about 100 pounds.  Last summer, I met a boy.  He was compassionate, affectionate, intelligent, funny, and a huge snuggler.  When the winter came, instead of going to Zumba or doing my physical therapy exercises, I chose to stay curled up on the couch with him eating take out and watching Chuck or Dr Who.  To be clear, I don’t regret this decision.  He and I celebrated our one year anniversary earlier in the month and I’ve never been happier.  The issue is the physical ramifications of those decisions.

I regained 30 pounds that I had lost and I was distraught.  I felt like I had lost ground.  I felt big and puffy.  And I felt exceptionally emotional 2 weeks out of the month.  While 30 pounds is not that much for someone my size, it was enough to push me into the bracket of affecting my medications.  I don’t know how many of you know this, but birth control is designed for women only up to a maximum of 250lbs.  Once you exceed that, the effectiveness drops significantly.  So now I was feeling huge AND my pms was out of control AND my periods made me feel like I was bleeding to death from my uterus.  I spent half the month crying in my guy’s arms as he held and tried to console me.  The other half I spent dreading that half of the month and wondering what I should do.

I found myself reverting back to the clothing of my self-conscious high school self: oversized men’s t-shirts and jeans.  Anything that hid the weight I had put back on.  Finally, I grew fed up.  Just because I had gained weight did not mean I had become some undesirable, hideous mass.  Every night my guy still snuggled up to me and ran his hands all over me.  Every day he told me how beautiful he thinks I am.  He didn’t even notice the weight gain, so why should I?

That being said, it does need to be reversed for health reasons and I’m working on it.  My trying to lose weight is not the point of this post though; it’s about me trying to find myself again.  One trick I learned was that sometimes style can make all the difference.  Joining a burlesque family has helped me start to discover my own personal style over the last two years and I had started to lose that.  Enlisting my roomie Savvy, I grabbed my drawer of men’s t-shirts and a pair of scissors, determined to undo what I had done.  Upending the drawer, I tried on each shirt as she snipped and shaped and stylized each and every one.  Shredding the back.  Making it a boat neck.  Hacking off the sleeves.  No two were exactly the same.  That hour and a half was enough to jumpstart my style again.  I splurged on a bunch of maxi skirts in nearly every color I found.  I bought myself a few new pieces of makeup.  I got a haircut for the first time since I dyed it in January.

No, I don’t immerse myself in my personal style every day; I don’t have that kind of dedication first thing in the morning before work.  However, when the circus themed show came around I dug out my corset, tutu, and accessories and dolled up with the best of them.  It’s been a while since I felt so me.

I love funny screen printed shirts and flowing skirts.  Pretty dresses and complimentary jewelry that shines.  My purple and blue hair that's holding on strong 6 months later.  The boobs that bust from the top of my corsets.  Lipstick lining my sarcastic and sausy smile.  Brightly colored eyeshadow that makes my blue eyes sparkle.  Glitter and shimmer and comfy pants.  My funky sunglasses.  My tattoos and the ones I plan to add someday.  I don't fit into a category or have a spectacularly identifiable style, but it's mine.

In the spirit of this feeling, I declare it "Absolutely Me" Month on the Love Your Bits page.  I will be posting pieces from some local Vermont style sensations (IMO) each week talking about what they can’t live without, why they choose to look the way they do, and how they handle the response to that look.  Feel free to submit your own photos and stories on the Facebook page.  Let’s inspire others to feel "Absolutely Me".