Pre-shoot Jitters and Struggling with my Demons

My photo shoot is three days away.  I just got done posting in my private event that I wasn’t even nervous, just excited.  Then the voices kicked in.

 

I should only do pictures from the front so no one can see my back fat.

I hope Christy gets Photoshop from JVL because my skin is awful right now.

Maybe I should skip the thongs, I have no butt.

What if I freeze and look like I’m being forced to get naked and pose?

What if I overcompensate by drinking too much champagne and end up red faced and sloppy?

What if….what if….imperfect….flawed….why am I doing this?

It’s times like this that I turn to one of my best friends and ask for help.  I need her to help squash the voices and the doubt and the fear.  She’s fiercely protective of me, even from me when I need it.  After eleven years, she knows how to talk me down and to make me feel safe.

I will make you look amazing.  It won’t be that hard because I’ve got an amazing, beautiful model to work with.  There are angles we can do and lighting effects and alcohol and music.  And I’m fun!  I’ll have you relaxed in no time.

She reminds me that it’s natural to feel imperfect.  That the goal of these pictures is to look those demons in the face and tell them to go fuck themselves.  That I AM sexy and camera worthy.  This is for me.  I’ll have 3 women there with me who will do everything in their power to love me, support me, calm me, and make me look on film the way they see me.

 

Yes, there will be a little Photoshop to fix slight imperfections (blemishes, random flyaway hairs), but my body will stay my own.  There will be no elongating or lifting or deleting.  I don’t need it.  My body is mine and it is perfect the way it is.

Now I just need to remember that in three days…

Healthy Doesn't Always Feel Sexy

Guest Blogger: Christy, Vermont

 

At the age of 20 I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. For those of you who don’t know, ulcers coat the large intestine causing extreme pain if certain foods are ingested.  For me it was red meat, fried food, caffeine, chocolate, dairy, and fresh fruits and vegetables. I was basically eating fish and baby food. Even on the heaviest dosages of the meds given to those with this chronic disease, I was getting worse. My doctor told me that I was the worst case of this particular disease that he had seen in the tri-state area. I decided to seek other help.

I met with a surgeon who examined me and, in so many words, told me that it was either surgery or a slow, painful death in a few years. Not surprisingly I opted for surgery. There were other avenues, like shots from now until eternity but upon hearing the odds (1 in 3 the liver would fail, and then you’d still need the surgery PLUS have a failed liver) I decided surgery was my best option.

A couple weeks before my surgery I was so sick I couldn’t keep water down. I remember lying on my bed and staring at my scar-free stomach to try burn that image into my memory. Ten plus years after my surgery, I realize it didn’t work.

I never had a six pack or the best abs in the world but my stomach was relatively flat. Now I’m super conscience because a) there’s a huge 12 inch long scar running down the center of my stomach making my belly button slightly off center and b) I’ve got a weird bump and divot along the lower part of my stomach. I find myself pulling at my shirts to make sure that they aren’t tight allowing the imperfections to be seen. I wear pants that can hide the area but are low and loose enough to not hurt my stomach.  Gone are the days of two piece bathing suits.

A scar on any part of the body whether it’s from surgery, a car accident, or some other traumatic event, can cause a person psychological backlash. Having someone (whether it’s a loved one, a friend, a doctor, or a stranger) touch that scar or the area around it can trigger a fight or flight response. Anger, grief, and other strong emotions can quickly come to the surface as you back away quickly from the perceived “offender”.  There is continued healing long after the scar has healed.

It’s been 12 years since my surgery, and I think about my stomach and how it looks almost every day. I still flinch if my husband touches it while putting his arms around me. I’ve learned though over the years that without this scar and this part of me that can make me feel slightly less beautiful at my worst moments, that I wouldn’t be here. It’s the one part of my body that I’ll never be able to “fix” with diet and exercise. I’ve come to terms with this and remind myself that this scar on my imperfect stomach is beautiful because I’m still alive.