"You have a very pretty face, but..."

“...you might want to wear a long scarf to distract from your stomach. The color's great though."

This is what a woman shopping at the store I was in thought was okay to say to me when I asked her opinion on a shirt I was trying on. She then proceeded to tell me how Zumba helped her get healthier, but I might need to do some core toning too to tighten up a bit.

When I went to the doctor for my strep throat, I brought up the sleeping issues I've been having for the last few months. Instead of listening to me at all she just looked me up and down and said, “It's probably because of your weight.” Because of that it took another 2 months of not sleeping and crying at the drop of a hat for my next doctor to diagnose me with depression.

First of all...do not point out that I'm overweight. Newsflash, I NOTICED! This is not knowledge I didn't already possess so you've done me no favors to point it out. Lady, I just need a fun top for a show tonight. As for you, Doc Lazy, my sleep issues started recently and I'm smaller than I used to be...do your job.

Second of all, I've been doing Zumba for 3 or 4 years now quite regularly. I have a 2 minute joke about it in my set.  On top of that I also swim, do physical therapy, and do toning exercises when I can. I haven't been as consistent as I would like since my surgery last year, but I do it and I've maintained my weight loss. Don't make assumptions on my lifestyle based on the way I look to you.

Lastly, while I did invite their attention on me by asking their opinion, when did it become alright to speak to someone like that? Whether you know them or not, there is nothing acceptable about those exchanges. Body shaming is wrong, no matter who you are or who you are speaking to. Their body is none of your concern. Mind your own business and move along. And as a doctor, do some work. Don't assume one thing is caused by something that obvious. Put in a little effort.

I'm a big girl. I have been for most of my life. A large percentage of that is my body type while the rest is definitely psychological. As I dealt with my buried issues, a good chunk of weight just disappeared...just from going to therapy and cleaning the skeletons from my closet. With some lifestyle shifts (very small ones, old habits die hard) I was able to loose 100 pounds over the course of a few years. Despite the three digit loss, I'm still a big girl! Even if I lost another 100 pounds, I'm still going to be tall, broad, and soft. And you know what that means? It means I will always be amazing to hug. It doesn't mean I don't take pride in my body or that I live a self destructive lifestyle. I'm not the healthiest person by any means. If I want to eat a burger, I order a burger...and I don't skip the fries. I'll eat less of them because I know I don't need to clear my plate, but I salt them and enjoy every fried bite. On the other hand, I will try to eat a bit healthier during the day so I don't feel like I'm going to die later. Having a gall bladder removed is fantastic motivation to be more aware of how much crap you put into you body.

NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM

I swim and I go for walks or dance like a stripper in my favorite Zumba class, but if I'm tired or have the chance to hang out with someone I love....I skip it. Because while I want to be a healthy me...I want to be a happy me more. If I'm having a bad day and I know I should go to the gym, but I need some lovin' from a good friend...THAT is my priority. Because health means nothing if it controls your life. And not to point fingers, but if you look at my lifestyle compared to that of some of my “acceptably sized” friends...I'm healthier than some of them. So drawing conclusions just by looking at me is unfair. You don't know me.

How is anyone is this society supposed to love themselves or take pride in the way they look when everything they see if constantly telling them they aren't good enough? How am I supposed to look in the mirror and tune out the voices from high school who tell me I'm grotesque because my arms jiggle when I lift them or because I can't touch my toes with my stomach in the way? How do you learn to love yourself BECAUSE of your body, not IN SPITE of your body when everything out there tells you that isn't right?

You fight back. You find people who love you for you and are blind to what society would consider flaws. Good people who compliment you because they just can't keep it to themselves that your eyes are stunning when you wear that blue shirt. People who sigh and hug you tighter because you're soft and snuggly and it feels amazing to them. Loving people, who tell you that you are beautiful in so many ways and deserve beauty in your life right when you need to hear it.

You do things that scare you. Like going onstage in a corset, lace stockings, and a tutu without worrying about your thighs or arm flab. You perform with a burlesque troupe who celebrates bodies as they are. All shapes and sizes and colors. You give yourself a moment to revel in the fact that, those catcalls are for you...because you are exactly what the people want to see. You are sexy and confident and completely able to knock their socks off. You absorb that positive energy and let it consume you because you're beautiful too and other people really will see that if they allow themselves to truly appreciate beauty. You remember that the loudest voices are not always the right ones nor are they the majority...they're just loud.

Screw you, I'm adorable!

And you ask for help. While it's true that you don't need the approval of others to feel good about yourself, in a world where people think it's okay to tell you to distract people from your stomach so they don't get sick to their own, it sure as fuck doesn't hurt to have people who will shamelessly love you to your face. Women who don't just pick out parts of your body they wish they had, but tell you that your Amazon woman build makes you fabulous and stunning. Co-workers who don't just tell you that you look nice today, but that you look EXTRA nice today. Men who don't find you attractive despite your curves, but ones who worship each and every one. Ones who see you naked on a bed exactly as you are and lose all self control.

The loudest voices are people who are insecure and desperate to make themselves heard. They stand on soap boxes, or behind podiums, or keyboards screaming their “truths” hoping to God someone validates them...making THEM feel worthy. Because that is all they know how to do. If you tear other people down far enough, you become the top by default right?

Wrong.

While there are some days that I look in the mirror and start seeing every single “flaw” mocking me and making me feel less than I am...I am still on top. Because those are just thoughts. They are not truths. My truths are this:

-I am worthy of love and admiration

-I am beautiful, even on days when I don't feel it or believe it

-I am loved by some incredible people who have excellent taste ;-)

-I am smart and funny – people care what I have to say and enjoy my company

-I am a good person who loves with everything she has

-I am strong, no one has the power to take any of this from me unless I give it to them

So stop the shame and hate...of others AND of yourself. It doesn't matter if you're a size 0 or an 8 or a 32. There is no war between “skinny bitches” and “real women”! Yes, some days I wish I could fit into a size 6 because that gorgeous dress isn't made an 18, but some days size 6 girls wish they had my 40Js or my shade of blonde hair. It doesn't matter.

I am who I am and there's no one else I'd rather be.