When
I turned 30 in September, I felt completely off track. I hated my
job. I felt ridiculous for still living with three roommates instead
of on my own. I didn't know where my life was going. Its been a total
180 degree spin since then. I've been fired, hired in a completely
different field, moved in with my boyfriend, paid off my car, and
applied for a two year apprenticeship.
I've
moved in with someone I care about and we're doing really well
despite the lifestyle adjustment. I spend my days working with eleven
4-year-olds coloring, teaching letters, and saying things like
“please do not touch your friend's body.” Its amazing...AND
hugely different. Everything happened so fast and soon I noticed
myself slipping back into the depression rabbit hole slowly. Getting
angry with my guy over minor annoyances and starting fights. Starting
my day grumpy and being short with my kids. “Treating” myself to
a soda or chocolate in the afternoon to soothe my nerves. I get a
free gym membership at my job that I have never used because I'm so
exhausted every day. When I went to my follow-up appointment to check
in with my doctor about my anti-depression medication, I knew upping
my dosage would need to be entertained and I was curious as to how
much weight I had gained.
When
I stepped on the scale, my breath caught when the three digit reading
began with a "3" for the first time in years...
Then
I sat down so the nurse could take my pulse and blood pressure. As
usual, all of my vitals were right where they should be. I was
healthy. No one was concerned. Least of all, me. When my brain got
over the initial horror of the idea that I was once again over three
hundred pounds, I was over it. No self hate. No shame. No tears. No
plan to change my whole life. I knew I had gained weight, there was
no way I could stress eat like I was without that being the end
result. Despite the amount of weight gained, emotionally I was fine.
I
realized haven't had a legitimately negative thought about my body in
MONTHS. When I dressed up as cat woman for our Saturday Morning
Cartoons show last weekend, I skipped the corset to save my boyfriend
the stress of trying to strap me in. It wasn't because I didn't want
him to have to see the sausage stuffing process I knew it would be,
it was because I didn't feel the need to cram myself into a shape I
wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I fucking LOVE corsets. I love the back
and bust support I get. I love that I can literally motorboat myself
because my boobs as so perky. I love the beautiful patterns and
designs that I've splurged on. This month I opted to paint on my fake
vinyl legging, arranged my boobs in a purple tank top, zipped my
biker vest, slid on my ass kicking boots, painted my face, and added
some ears. I was hot as hell and didn't care that I didn't take the
time to flatten my jelly belly.
I'm
finally where I want to be, no longer my own worst enemy. I will
still work to reign in the stress and work toward a healthier
lifestyle. I will still lament the lack of incredible and affordable
clothing in my size. I will occasionally still wish my stomach was
flatter and my arms didn't jiggle so much, but it is no longer the
battle it once was. It is no longer a struggle to post something on
this page knowing that I don't practice what I preach. I'm starting
to live by the words I advocate.
LOVE!
YOUR!
BITS!
Yesterday.
Today. Tomorrow. Five years from now. Right this second. The when
doesn't matter. Just keep reaching for that place where you love who
and what you are. You'll get there and it will feel AMAZING. Like the
weight of the world is off your shoulders...because that is what that
is. The WORLD is what tells you that your are imperfect and in need
of correction. We have enough weight to carry of our own, don't take
that on too. Your body mass is all you are responsible for. Let the
rest of it fall off and move on from it. I promise, THAT is the
greatest weight loss you will ever achieve.
